Letters For My Sons

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Big scary death

I Wish I’d Had A Fight

Douglas Stoodley was fuming.

Foam was coming from the corners of his mouth.  That wasn’t just because he was angry though.  It was because of his speech impediment. He sounded very much like an arabic-australian Donald Duck.

“Say it don’t spray it!” I taunted.

That was the last straw.  His stained, yellow teeth grimaced through tight lips.  “Bike racks after school dickhead!” he spat, storming away in a foamy wash of invective.


Oh shit


Ask any man alive to tell you of his first fight.  It’s up there with virginity loss and getting your bumgina waxed in memory burn, and he’s sure to regale you to murderous boredom.

Not me though.  I’ve never been in a fight.

Back in the schoolyard I thought of myself as a pacifist.  Of course that was never true. I merely never used violence to ascend the hierarchy. Like everyone else, I tried to get one up on everyone in the playground, but I used my words.  Shitty, primary-school, asshole teasing.  I teased the fat kid.  I annoyed the braces off the braces kid.  I insulted the country boy cos he only had a shower once a week.  Plus, he had a speech impediment.  An easy target was poor Douglas Stoodley.

I was never willing to fight.  I was, for all intents and purposes a coward.  I ran away. I got pushed around, shoved, slapped, punched and kicked.  In the balls too.  But I never struck back.  I was too scared.

Every ten year old who pushed me around seemed bigger, stronger, smarter.  They seemed indefatigable.  Willing to do whatever it took to beat me, stopping at nothing.  I rarely felt real pain.  Instead there was the perceived pain, intense, unending, leading to death.  And second only to death was humiliation.  Losing a fight seemed to be so humiliating as to be a death in itself.


Big scary death

My death didn’t look quite so cool


A psychologist would say that my father was the violent and undefeatable monster that I projected onto every bully I faced.  But that does’t change the fact that I was a pussy.  And the fact that I have never had a fight haunts me still.

See, without being in a fight itself, every mundane act of non-physical violence was perceived as going to one place.  Verbal, emotional, eye contact… it all led to physical violence, with humiliation and death at the end.  I could not bring myself to risk that loss, even with my ongoing descent down the pecking order.  There was no future past a fight, not one with me in it.

I had no idea of my own strength, my own power.  I did not know the damage I could do with a strike to the nose or a front kick in the plexus. I always thought that a fight would be akin to those in a dream, muddy, slow, quicksand blows that the enemy would not only endure, but would gain strength from.

It took me years to learn to endure men, to discover that insults are often signs of affection.  Stand-offs rarely ended in violence, and instead were used as gauge for your bluff tolerance.  I could learn to enjoy hard hitting barbs and verbal violence without fear.  And I started learning the art of physical violence myself through martial arts and combatives.

My schoolyard self never realised the respect that came from standing up for yourself.  I never realised that everyone in the surrounding group took close note of the way in which a boy held himself in the pressure tank.  It didn’t matter whether I won or lost.  It was only that I held myself against another.

I never discovered the friendships that arrive out of fighting.  Two boys who enter the arena with the fear of extermination in their blood are brothers on the other side.  I only discovered that years afterward, when my first few confrontations ended to my surprise with man-hugs, beers and ongoing acquaintanceships.

Preventing boys from fighting is an atrocious side-effect of our risk-mitigating society.  It is one thing for a bully to pick on someone weaker.  It is another for two boys to decide their hierarchy on their own terms.  To prevent this is to lessen the experience of being a boy, and later, that of being a man.  I only wish I had been given better advice than “Hit first and hit hard.”  I mean good advice and all, but not when it’s the ONLY advice.

When I advise my boys I will say:


  • Don’t start fights, but if one gets started on you, fuck the kid up.
  • Pain hurts, but only for a little while.  Being the bottom of the pack hurts less, but for a lot, lot longer.
  • Your peers will respect you when you stand up for yourself.
  • Try to talk your way out of a fight.  But when that doesn’t work, go hard.
  • No matter how big they are, stand up.  Bluff works wonders.
  • While you are small, you will be hurt, but not much.  Learn to fight now, while it doesn’t hurt so much, and when you are a man, you will not have to fight.

I wish I’d fought as a boy.  To face an equal at that age didn’t mean permanent injury, disfigurement, lawsuits and possible death.  Now, I doubt if I will ever be in a fight.  But if it comes my way… I’m ready.


After taunting Douglas I went to class.  The beautiful brunette next to me, Rebecca Morgan, asked if I was going to fight.  I said hell no.  Then she said the words I’ve remembered ever since.

“Are you a coward?”

I’d like to think… no.  Not any more.



beautiful cat eyes

The Charismatic Man – Not a Pipedream

I spent years at the bottom of the pack.  While there, I could never understand why some men conducted audiences with abandon while I struggled to hold one person’s attention to a shitty story.  But over time I noticed that some actions improved attraction measurably, while others stank.  I worked hard at the non-smelly ones and have non-bottom pack status to show for it.

I am still far from being charismatic.  But people listen to me.  They pay attention when I have something to say.  Women like to be around me.

My ability to attract others has increased through conscious improvement. Here’s what I’ve worked on over the last decade to improve my personal magnetism.


Improve the body.  Men and women hold healthy looking people in high esteem.  If you look big, healthy and strong, people pay more attention to you and value what you say.  If you’re a hippo, or have to run around in the shower to get wet, then you are fading into the wallpaper socially.  People literally don’t notice you, because evolution is telling them that a) you are not a physical, social or sexual threat, and b) you are not healthy and therefore cannot produce healthy babies.  And that’s how you become carpet.

You want bang for your buck?  This is the shiny platinum Amex you want.  Exchange 3 hours a week in the gym and you’ll get attention out the wahoonie.  Unless you’re a douchebag.  But I’ll get to that.


Healthy beautiful woman jogging

Most certainly healthy


Increase eye contact and improve it’s quality.  Want to look like a shifty and untrustworthy junkie?  If you can’t hold proper eye contact you are profoundly reducing your charisma.  You look weak and shiftless.  You seem uninterested, which is precisely what the Charismatic man avoids.


beautiful cat eyes

feel what you saying baby


Eye contact takes practice and lots of it.  Eye patterns are defined from birth by parents and siblings, and are more difficult to change than a Sikh’s headwear.  Work on them every day.  Increase eye contact one second past what is comfortable for you, then two seconds.  For practice I stared at my classmates until they looked away. This improved my tolerance hugely… and almost single handedly put me at the top of the pack.

When practicing look directly into the pupils.  Looking around or between the eyes is cheating.  You are looking to create a connection, and deep eye contact releases oxytocin.  This bathes you and your partner in a wonderful chemical bonding session.

Lastly, if uncomfortable, look sideways or up but never down.  Downward glances are for submissives.  Charisma comes not from being top of the pack, but from being entirely comfortable with yourself, so work on this as well.


Move and talk slowly and deliberately.  Charismatic people see themselves as high value.  When you are worth-y there is no need to rush.  Others will rush for you.  Your movements should convey deliberation, power and strength.

The ability to create and withstand tension is paramount.  Submissives rush their movements and speech in order to appeal to their masters, usually because the tension of attempting equality is too great to withstand.  Create instead the impression that nothing and nobody phases you, regardless of the situation.  If a tough question is asked, endeavour to slow down the need to answer by taking deep breaths.  Show that you are in control by using your right to answer when and how you wish.  You have the power.

Think about what you say and consciously slow your speaking speed.  Slowing it down will help you form whole coherent sentences and prevent ums and aahs. Quality speech patterns create perceived competence.

Own your space.  Make large, sweeping, slow movements.  Stand in alpha positions.  Touch people in your area of influence.


Never, ever second guess yourself.  Hesitation is weakness of character, and shows lack of conviction.  The Charismatic Man commits, and convinces others of his certainty.  Most people’s commitment is like a candle.  Yours should resemble a blue, fiery, close-to-supernova star.  People like to follow stars, especially when they are only yellow, smoking pigfat.

Don’t be pigfat.  Be freaking awesome.


Man changes body in 5 years

Want to Change Your Mind? Change Your Body.

Change your body.  Do not listen to those who say that you can only put on serious weight in the first year after you start working out.  Don’t listen to those who say you will make the most gains within 5 years.  You can be a late bloomer to the weights room and make good gains.  Sure, you probably won’t become a world-competitive powerlifter, but over time the changes will be worth it.


So what can you expect as a late-comer in your late twenties onwards?


Man changes body in 5 years

If this guy can do it, so can you.

Check out all the photos over 5 years here.  Do you really think this guy’s attitude has remained the same?


Strength.  You will be surprised at the strength that comes and the ways you can use it.  You will use your new-found strength for everything, and it will feel immensely satisfying using the muscles you recently discovered on something useful.  If it is difficult, do it.  Dig a hole, move some rocks, shift a refrigerator.


Mass.  You will get larger in all the right ways, as long as your diet is good.  Variety in food is for metrosexuals and chicks.  You don’t need it.  Keep it simple with meat, eggs, vegetables, rice and pasta and low/no sugar.  Men and women respect men with healthy, large bodies.  Men, because they can appreciate the work that goes into it, and girls, because they want to bear your strong healthy babies.


Attitude.  If you have been a pissant all your life you will find remarkable changes over the coming years.  Your outlook will become more positive, less victimised.  You will not balk at painful choices.  You will find it easier to make decisions.  You will become more assertive (and possibly aggressive) in all your relationships.  Other men will not make you fearful.  You will find it much easier to attract both men and women for friendly, sexual and professional relationships.  You will be listened to more readily.  Your sex drive will increase.  Your ability to get want you want will improve.  You will be more direct in conversation, and will mitigate your comments less and less.

You will begin to appreciate the other men in your life in a new light, and begin to take less shit from women.  You will become more self-supporting and less reliant.  You will identify less with the victims in movies and more with the aggressor/predator/hero.  You will stop wading around in the muck of your useless life and will finally find goals to hit. You will enjoy responsibility and accountability.  You will look for difficult things to do, and do them.  You will learn the value of focus.  You will learn persistence.  You will learn that baby steps will get you there faster than no steps.  You will learn that thinking long-term makes short term pain bearable.  You will realise that one shitty/lazy/beat-yourself-up-cos-you’re-a-faggot workout will not be remembered in the long term, and thus is not worth getting worried about.

You will see that change takes time, and the more drastic the change you want, the longer you have to wait.  You will discover that a five to ten year post adolescent journey to manhood is better than never fucking getting there, ever.   In short, you will grow as a man.  In fact, you will become a man.

Go work the fuck out.


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