Who’s the Boss? A Marital Questionnaire

Who's the boss stars wearing tshirts saying "I'm the Boss"

Who’s the boss?

Maybe your kid asks it.  Maybe some friends bring it up in a drunken conversation.  Maybe your father-in-law teases you about it.

Who’s the boss?

Is it you?  Or is it her?   Who do you want it to be?

If you even need to ask this, she’s the boss.

You’re both the boss… right?  So in other words, she’s the boss.

She laughs under her breath… you got it, she’s the boss.

Ask yourself these questions. Then ask why you are not the boss.

Who is the strongest?

Who is the smartest?

Who earns the most?

Who would defend the family?

Who would protect the house from attack?

If you answered yes to all these, and you still feel like the bitch, you have some work to do.  Of course, if you’re ok being a fucking pussy to your wife, then cool.  You’re probably not getting laid though, and your missus is nagging you to death.  This is all a function of you not taking your proper role.

Protection is the common theme here.  Physical protection, intellectual protection, financial protection.  Can you protect your family and property from predators?  Can you protect your family from stupid ideas?  Can you protect your family from financial ruin?  A man’s role is protection, and if you are competent at it, you are the boss. No man who can adequately protect his family and provide for them should play second fiddle.  The strongest person in the household should be the boss.

But this isn’t how it works, is it? Decision making is where boss-dom is won or lost.  Solid, non-mitigated decision-making earns maximum respect points from women.  Unfortunately this is where most guys give it away, including myself.

For years I answered “whatever YOU want to do” to questions from my wife.  We were still happy. But I certainly didn’t feel like the boss.

It took me a while to realise that I needed to make decisions.  Strong, fast decisions.  My marital happiness depended the solidity of that decision making process.  My wife wanted someone who could decide what to have for dinner, where to go tomorrow, when to buy a new car, where to go on holiday.

Put your hand up if your dad ran the house when you were a child.  I thought so.  Dad owned the house, he ran the house, you lived there UNDER HIS RULES YOU FUCKING DONKEY.  There was no doubt in his mind or anyone else’s about whose place you were in and who you had to listen to.  I went to my old man’s house recently, ate some ham off a plate with my fingers, and got my ass chewed out for ten minutes.   I’m four inches and ten kilos bigger than him, but it didn’t fucking matter cos it’s his house, his rules.

Men, this is where we need to be.  If you’re having problems in this area, you need to read the Married Man Sex Life Primer immediately and man the fuck up.  It’s not about ruling the roost with an iron fist, kicking ass for minor infractions.  It’s about knowing your place as ruler of your kingdom and protector thereof, and living that life.   It’s not about natural law, it’s about who is more qualified to be the last stand of responsibility in your house.

Who is willing and able to be accountable for any fuckups that occur?

Who is able to sacrifice themselves for their family at last resort?

And if such a sacrifice is necessary, who is to shoulder the responsibility for all the decisions to come before?

I sure as hell will be making the decisions if it is to be my life on the line in the final instance.


Silence – A Man’s Best Friend

Solitary canadian cowboy walking in the huge expanse between sea and desert


Real men love silence.


Man’s mind is like the desert.  Clean and clear.  A breath of thought breezes through on occasion.  The unknown is over the horizon, soon to be known.  Man does not worry.  Man breathes, and is silent.


Silence between two men is tremendously powerful.  Each man acknowledges his deep respect for the other through his silence.  There is no need to talk of trivialities which only waste energy, time and breath.  A man realises that to fill silence with shit is a terribly selfish and arrogant act.


The adolescent abhors silence.  It is scary.  It is scary because all self-honesty is found in silence.  In a moment of silence The Great Illusion, that you as an unaccomplished youth are worthy, is shattered.


A man however, feels the weight and power of his accomplishments.  He enjoys the satisfaction of achievement in his silence.  He feels fulfilled even as he finds the presence of his approaching death unsettling.  Words often serve only as a flimsy barrier to our knowledge of this impending doom.  In silence man cannot ignore it, but he has the power to sense the legacy that will continue in spite of it.


Silence and solitude are the media of mastery.  When there is no-one and no words, work flows.  Works done silently solo are immensely satisfying.  Time slows.  Minutiae grow.  Learning accelerates.  Experiments flourish.  When there is no-one and no words, there is nothing to excuse yourself to.  Anything goes.  Everything flows.


Women connect through their words, feelings and emotions.  Men connect through common work, few words and shared silence.  We are not women, but were raised by them. When young we feel the childlike need to fill silence with voices.  It’s time we learnt to be men.


Learn to love the silence.  It will show you it’s secrets.


The Goals of Being a Man

1. Be able to defend yourself.

Krav maga funny captions


You need to be strong and skilled enough to physically attack and defend yourself, your family and your property.

You need to be smart enough, educated enough or know where to look in order to defend verbally and legally against those who would take advantage of you.


2. Be able to attract people.

You need to be attractive enough that both men and women from all walks of life want to talk to you and interact with you in a mutually beneficial way. You need to develop the attributes of charisma, physical beauty, intellect, and knowledge of social psychology.


3. Be able to be solitary.

Like this guy, but without the goddam skinny jeans
Like this guy, but without the goddam skinny jeans


This seems to be almost the opposite of the previous point, but it is in fact a corollary. You must be attractive enough to yourself to not need others to prop you up.  You need to learn to like yourself.

Some of the training is toward being able to be alone, work alone, act alone.  It is truly surprising how many boys and men cannot be solitary. They need their internet, their phone, their music, their coffee, their food, their city, their friends all around them.  It takes courage to be alone.

To be alone is to strip off your shell. All the scaffolding of the self-you-think-you-have falls away when you are alone.



4. To seek satisfaction rather than happiness.

Happiness is to satisfaction like a one-night stand compared to a long time lover; one is shallow and feel-good, the other is mature, intense and builds upon the past. It’s like fast food compared to a good meal.

I like my steaks a little bigger, but hey, I'll take one for the team
I like my steaks a little bigger, but hey, I’ll take one for the team


Happiness is a state of mind. The only skill in developing it is the persistence to change thought patterns.  That is not to say one shouldn’t try to become happier… however happiness is not the goal.  Happiness is a emotion that can be summoned at will through practice.

Satisfaction can only come about after one has achieved one’s will. Satisfaction is temporary, but regular feelings of satisfaction lead to fulfilment.  The pride that is rolled up in satisfaction only increases the power.  The more difficult the task the higher the feelings of pride and satisfaction. Thus the equation:

Difficulty of task + Achievement of task = (Satisfaction + Pride)Time = Fulfilment

I know, I’m a math wiz, right?

In layman’s, a difficult task is performed that one has set for himself.  This task achievement results in self-satisfaction and an increase in pride.  Over time the sum of many tasks performed leads to fulfilment: a lasting sense of self-worth and super-potential.

Without pride, fulfilment is diminished as the self seeks to explain away the reason for success as that of outside forces.

Without task achievement there is little satisfaction as the goal has not been reached.

If the goal is too easy then the fulfilment is diminished as pride demands difficulty as a price for true satisfaction.


5. Be able to Pat Your Own Back

Pats on the back are truly necessary for most to continue.  The difference between a man and a boy is that a man only accepts pats from his own hand.  Only he knows when he has truly achieved, where a boy seeks the approval of others and bases his satisfaction on that.  True pride is generated within the heart of a man, and he never accepts another’s comments on his acts as anything but uninformed opinion.