Being Alone: Why Country Music Singers Have It All Wrong

This post was going to be called 10 Things a Man Should Do Alone.  But seriously, if you’re not already working out, educating yourself, writing to get your thoughts in order, and working on some skill or hobby, then get out and start before your vagina goes all Ouroboros on yoself.

 

You know, Ouroboros
You know, Ouroboros

 

Instead I’m going to discuss being alone, and share with you the things I’m not sure many men do.  To me, however, these are the things that propelled me quickly (relatively speaking) from being a socially-retarded loser to fully-functioning self-actualising human.

 

Be Alone.  But Don’t Be A Fucking Psychopath

Being alone is the fucking coolest thing on earth, and is highly under-rated by the majority of the population.  Assuming you are not alone because of socialisation problems like some psychopathic school kid, it is where you recharge, take stock, and get to know where you’re succeeding and failing.

Alone time is especially important to me, cos I have kids.  And holy shitballs, do they suck the time away.  It’s tough enough getting laid with my wife, let alone getting time by myself.  If you’ve got kids, you need to take the time to take time out.

There’s a bunch of things a man should do alone.  Any of these can be done with others, but being alone removes the Need To Socialise.  Socialising means communicating, competing, and seeking attention.  It’s tough to understand how much of this you do without being alone for extended periods of time.

There are a bunch of socialisation patterns you use with everyone you know, and without being alone you will never know of your choices: using those patterns, changing to other patterns, or burning them with the other useless paraphernalia of your life.

Being alone is also the only time you’ll hear yourself.  A lot of this has to do with socialisation patterns.  It takes a significant amount of time (thirty minutes to an hour) of conscious awareness of being alone before socialisation breaks down and the inner you starts to be heard.

 

Silence In A World Of Noise, Aka Smartphones Make You Miserable In A Happy Way

Today’s world is one of noise.  Almost everyone I meet wants to fill it with more.  People love the sound of their own voices, regardless of whether they add value, or create filth.

But it’s not just the audible noise that I want to discuss.  Every bit of data that you see, hear, taste, touch and smell takes attention.  Think of attention as a fuel tank.  There is only so much you have per day, per week, per year.

With our cache of attention we can absorb noise, or we can absorb signal.  The noise is rubbish, redundancy, rehashes.  The signal is novelty, newness, interest. Noise is obviously trash, and we want as little as possible.  It’s like using fuel to run your car on a rolling pad.  It takes you nowhere.  Signal on the other hand can often take us from A to B.  It can educate and inspire.  But not always.

The problem with signal, and it is a huge problem in today’s world, is that it is addictive.  In previous eras the information problem was a huge ratio of noise to signal.  Now that we have all of humanity’s data available to us, the problem is reversed.  We now see an immense section of society addicted to novelty.

Almost everyone I know under the age of 40 cannot leave their phones alone.  Every minute of spare time, literally as soon as there is nothing to do, the phones come out.  I have not been immune to this.  It became an awful habit.

And the worst part?

I often didn’t need to check anything.   Phones and the internet are great for getting directions, finding tradesmen, making appointments, and googling important and timely data.  But 90% of the time I needed none of those things.  All I wanted was a distraction.

In actuality, what I needed was a hit.

You’ve probably heard about dopamine before, and its effects on the brain. It’s often touted as a “reward chemical” or part of the brain’s “reward center,” but more recent research has shown that, like novelty, it’s actually more closely related to our motivation to seek rewards rather than being a reward itself. Animal studies around the brain’s reaction to novelty have suggested increased dopamine levels in the context of novelty. So the brain reacts to novelty by releasing dopamine which makes us want to go exploring in search of a reward.

http://lifehacker.com/novelty-and-the-brain-why-new-things-make-us-feel-so-g-508983802

The problem is that because dopamine encourages us to seek rewards, it may be encouraging us to look for more, and more, and more stuff on the internet.  We get sucked into long cycles of internet surfing because our brain is reward-seeking due to the dopamine hits from novel information.  Every time we see something new, it only primes us for more surfing.

So, rather than being a useful pastime, phone and internet use has become an addiction.  It is robbing you of your life, your time, and your health.  My eyes have not been the same since my first smartphone.  The fine motor muscles are extremely tight, and I find it much more difficult to actually “see” my surroundings.  I look, but I my eyes don’t engage.

How Do We Escape This Pernicious Habit? And What Does Pernicious Mean?

We need silence.  Utter digital silence.  Our brains have been changed by the internet.  We need to restrict this change.

We still have a beautiful world around us!  But how many of us notice it? Do we notice anything less than the change of seasons anymore?

As men it is our charge to remember how the world is.  One day the internet may disappear.  We must be able to remember how to live without it.  Women can keep their Facebook and the rest.  They are far more distracted than we are.

When you are alone, put away your phone.  It is a simple task, and you WILL struggle with it.   It is a habit you have to break.  Use your phone only when others are around, if you must use it at all.  Alone time is much too valuable to waste on phone surfing.

When you are alone it is important to keep this digital silence.  It is distracting you from hearing the awesome within you.  Being alone is the only time you can hear this voice trying to erupt from the depths.

Self Reflection and Self Therapy

This is the most important task you will ever perform in your life.  Sometimes you will do it every day, at other times you will go months without it.  But always you will come back.

Why do you stop when you are within arm’s reach of your goals?  Why do you sabotage your relationships?  Why can you not keep a job?  Why is missionary your favourite (and only) position?

Have you asked yourself the deep questions of your life?  These questions are the ones that will enable change in you life.  You may never get a clear answer, and you will not change with any speed.  But self-therapy is the way forward, and every man who is not perfect should practice it.

It’s the only way I have found to guarantee forward progress.  If you are stuck in a rut in life, and frustrating yourself with your inability to change, then there are likely psychological, emotional and physical barriers preventing you from getting on with life.

Therapy ain’t for pussies either.  You don’t have to tell anyone you are doing it.  In fact, it’s better if you don’t.  Everyone has psychological blocks, even hard-asses.  It’s just that hard-asses have the personal control to run through those brick walls when they need to.  The rest of us can take the slower, safer but not necessarily easier route.

Self Therapy 101

1. Buy a journal.  Write in it.  Draw in it.  Paint it with custard, I don’t give a fuck.  It’s yours and it’s private.  No one else is to see inside it.  In it should go any observations about yourself you find interesting.

Don’t edit yourself.  Remember, no one else will see this ever.  Be as honest as you can.

Over time you’ll start to get it.  You will begin to understand yourself.  You will edit less.  It’s not so much a book for re-reading.  It’s more about getting ideas out of your head and into a tangible format where you can begin to make sense of the nonsense.  Your brain will take what you’ve spewed onto the paper, and begin to work on it without you even knowing about it.  It’s pretty much magic.

2. Purchase Christopher Hyatt’s Undoing Yourself with Energised Meditation and Other Devices.  Do the exercises.

 

The most useful book you will ever buy
The most useful book you will ever buy

 

3. That’s it.  Take your time.  Take your whole life.  Nothing will make you perfect, so don’t rush change.  Take at least 12 months then look back and see if you are happier.

 

What’s the Goal Anywayz?

The goal is to get out of your own way so you can live life.  Most people live life on train tracks.  The tracks take them to the same places, emotionally, in their relationships and in their life situations.

We want to have choice.  We want the ability to experience not just frustration and misery, but happiness and satisfaction.  That is a choice.  We want to find friends that help and inspire us, rather than drain our energy.  That too is a choice.  We want to find meaningful work and hobbies that lend ambition and direction to our lives.  You can make that choice.

But you must be alone to start on that path.

Modern Man’s Intro To Principles

Are you living by your own rules, or by those pre-defined by others?

Principles: they make life easier.  In a set of principles I have a decision-making matrix. My principles are general enough that they cover a wide swathe of situations.

Principles govern my behaviour in a consistent manner.  When the world is going to shit around you, knowing how you will handle the fan-splatter effect creates a rock-solid foundation of confidence in your actions.

The prime reason I have principles is for energy.  Consistent action in certain areas cuts down on the energy overhead usually reserved for decisions.  Making decisions takes a bajillion joules of energy from your life every day.  I only have a limited amount of energy.  The more energy I conserve, the more I have to use elsewhere.  It’s the effect on your energy bill of having three minute showers instead of skin-blistering hour long marathons. Although saving personal energy is far more satisfying.  I hate three minute showers.

It’s the same reason corporations systematise their regular actions.  If they find something happening frequently, they create a system that fast-tracks the simple stuff:

  1. Been in this situation before?  Check.
  2. What did we do last time?  A, B and C.
  3. Did A, B, and C get us what we wanted?  Check.
  4. Do A, B and C.

Number three is key.  We need to decide what we want, and create our principles based on that.

 

…..

example time!

 

In the past, I have been overpaid by my employers.  I used to fret about whether to tell my employer and give the cash back.  I was torn between money and morals.

What did I want?  I wanted the cash, but I also wanted to not stress about 1) whether my employer was testing me, and 2) whether I was doing the “right” thing (more on the “right” thing in a moment).

Action One was giving the cash back.  I would be relieved of anxiety and stress, but I would be poorer.  Perhaps my employer would think of me as an honest person, but this would give me no benefit in real terms.

Action Two was keeping the cash.  I would stress about it, but I would have more money, a very real benefit.

My current over-riding principle in this situation is: keep the cash, AND don’t stress.  Why?  Telling my employer about paying me too much gives me no benefit at all.  In the past, perhaps, an employer would then regard you as an upstanding and honest employee who could be trusted, which may have given you an advantage at some point.  Nowadays, your boss could not give a shit about you or your apparent do-goodiness.

As for not stressing, if my boss found out and asked for it, I could simply play dumb and pay it back.  If he didn’t find out, then I have the money.  It’s a win/win.

If you give the cash back, you boss says “thanks!”, and you walk home $100 poorer.  What’s the point?  You’ll feel better about yourself?  Why?  Because you’ve “done the right thing?”  You’ve done the WRONG thing.  You have exchanged value for fluff i.e. moral virtue.

 

…..

Let’s talk morals for a moment.  I would hope that most of you reading this would know that morals are the rules imposed on your behaviour by an external force.  That force is cultural, and its main proponents are the parents and teachers who educated you.

Morals can be loosely defined as a code that defines appropriate behaviour.  Literally, a code of conduct.  That code is divided into a series of principles for each behaviour.

I reject externally imposed morality because in general those morals benefit society more than myself.  Society in this case being most people in my country who are not me, and primarily those people with lots of money and power who are also not me.  I don’t reject all of society’s morals, I merely reserve the right to choose the ones that work for me and reject the ones that belong in a bucket of shit.

Morals should be personally defined according to principle and the cultural matrix in which you live.  For example, I might want to slaughter my neighbour for stealing some mayonnaise when I went out for a kebab.  Goddamn delicious-mayonaisse-stealing asshole.  If I did so, because of our culture the police would kidnap me and remove my ability to live freely for a number of years.  Butt-rape in prison is not an outcome that I desire, therefore I reject murder as a behavioural outcome of principle.  Not because it is inherently “bad” in all situations, but because the culturally-imposed repercussions of murder are extremely bad for me.

 

Scary prisoner says, PICK UP THE SOAP

 

We should also talk about “good/right” and “bad/wrong”.  What is good and bad is also culturally defined.  I would hope that you also know this as an educated man.  I define “good/right” as that which energises and benefits me and my family over the short to long term.  I define “bad/wrong” as the opposite of that.  Simple.

Not everything good and right is possible.  Not everything bad and wrong is avoidable.  This is cultural impact on personal morals, and it’s just the way things are.

 

…..

So let’s talk specifics.  I want to talk about one of the most important of my principles.  This one has saved me so much energy over the years, and so much stress and heartache.

Do what you say.

 

This one guiding principle has helped me in so many ways. Back when I was a loser I would make plans with friends that I never intended to keep.  Or I would be in two minds about whether to go out with them.  I now know that if I am going to say I will do something, I’d better move heaven and hell to do it.  If that is to be the case, I have to be careful with my words, and not promise anything I cannot deliver.  That means I have to maintain awareness during conversation and also be discreet.

 

This principle not only cuts down on stress, it also makes me into a better, more aware person. 

 

This one principle cuts down an incredible energy overhead.  I no longer have to think about whether I going to do something or not.  Have I told someone I would?  Yes?  Then I am doing it.  The social benefits of such an attitude should be obvious.

This one principle is so internally satisfying that it should be elevated to a religious precept.

The correlate to this principle is: Watch your mouth.  Don’t say anything you don’t plan to follow through with.

I got this off a good friend.  Once I asked him if he wanted to hang out.  He said he’d like to, but for whatever reason, no.

I was taken aback.  Who the hell could be so honest?  What sort of person didn’t mitigate at all?  I was so impressed with his behaviour that I adopted it on the spot.  Nowadays I can’t believe I was ever that soft…

 

…..

The moral of this story is:  Begin to create your own morality.  Decide on the principles that both enhance the energy in your life and cut out the crap.

Begin NOW.

 

 

 

The Charismatic Man – Not a Pipedream

I spent years at the bottom of the pack.  While there, I could never understand why some men conducted audiences with abandon while I struggled to hold one person’s attention to a shitty story.  But over time I noticed that some actions improved attraction measurably, while others stank.  I worked hard at the non-smelly ones and have non-bottom pack status to show for it.

I am still far from being charismatic.  But people listen to me.  They pay attention when I have something to say.  Women like to be around me.

My ability to attract others has increased through conscious improvement. Here’s what I’ve worked on over the last decade to improve my personal magnetism.

 

Improve the body.  Men and women hold healthy looking people in high esteem.  If you look big, healthy and strong, people pay more attention to you and value what you say.  If you’re a hippo, or have to run around in the shower to get wet, then you are fading into the wallpaper socially.  People literally don’t notice you, because evolution is telling them that a) you are not a physical, social or sexual threat, and b) you are not healthy and therefore cannot produce healthy babies.  And that’s how you become carpet.

You want bang for your buck?  This is the shiny platinum Amex you want.  Exchange 3 hours a week in the gym and you’ll get attention out the wahoonie.  Unless you’re a douchebag.  But I’ll get to that.

 

Healthy beautiful woman jogging
Most certainly healthy

 

Increase eye contact and improve it’s quality.  Want to look like a shifty and untrustworthy junkie?  If you can’t hold proper eye contact you are profoundly reducing your charisma.  You look weak and shiftless.  You seem uninterested, which is precisely what the Charismatic man avoids.

 

beautiful cat eyes
feel what you saying baby

 

Eye contact takes practice and lots of it.  Eye patterns are defined from birth by parents and siblings, and are more difficult to change than a Sikh’s headwear.  Work on them every day.  Increase eye contact one second past what is comfortable for you, then two seconds.  For practice I stared at my classmates until they looked away. This improved my tolerance hugely… and almost single handedly put me at the top of the pack.

When practicing look directly into the pupils.  Looking around or between the eyes is cheating.  You are looking to create a connection, and deep eye contact releases oxytocin.  This bathes you and your partner in a wonderful chemical bonding session.

Lastly, if uncomfortable, look sideways or up but never down.  Downward glances are for submissives.  Charisma comes not from being top of the pack, but from being entirely comfortable with yourself, so work on this as well.

 

Move and talk slowly and deliberately.  Charismatic people see themselves as high value.  When you are worth-y there is no need to rush.  Others will rush for you.  Your movements should convey deliberation, power and strength.

The ability to create and withstand tension is paramount.  Submissives rush their movements and speech in order to appeal to their masters, usually because the tension of attempting equality is too great to withstand.  Create instead the impression that nothing and nobody phases you, regardless of the situation.  If a tough question is asked, endeavour to slow down the need to answer by taking deep breaths.  Show that you are in control by using your right to answer when and how you wish.  You have the power.

Think about what you say and consciously slow your speaking speed.  Slowing it down will help you form whole coherent sentences and prevent ums and aahs. Quality speech patterns create perceived competence.

Own your space.  Make large, sweeping, slow movements.  Stand in alpha positions.  Touch people in your area of influence.

 

Never, ever second guess yourself.  Hesitation is weakness of character, and shows lack of conviction.  The Charismatic Man commits, and convinces others of his certainty.  Most people’s commitment is like a candle.  Yours should resemble a blue, fiery, close-to-supernova star.  People like to follow stars, especially when they are only yellow, smoking pigfat.

Don’t be pigfat.  Be freaking awesome.

 

The Goals of Being a Man

1. Be able to defend yourself.

Krav maga funny captions

 

You need to be strong and skilled enough to physically attack and defend yourself, your family and your property.

You need to be smart enough, educated enough or know where to look in order to defend verbally and legally against those who would take advantage of you.

 

2. Be able to attract people.

You need to be attractive enough that both men and women from all walks of life want to talk to you and interact with you in a mutually beneficial way. You need to develop the attributes of charisma, physical beauty, intellect, and knowledge of social psychology.

 

3. Be able to be solitary.

Like this guy, but without the goddam skinny jeans
Like this guy, but without the goddam skinny jeans

 

This seems to be almost the opposite of the previous point, but it is in fact a corollary. You must be attractive enough to yourself to not need others to prop you up.  You need to learn to like yourself.

Some of the training is toward being able to be alone, work alone, act alone.  It is truly surprising how many boys and men cannot be solitary. They need their internet, their phone, their music, their coffee, their food, their city, their friends all around them.  It takes courage to be alone.

To be alone is to strip off your shell. All the scaffolding of the self-you-think-you-have falls away when you are alone.

 

 

4. To seek satisfaction rather than happiness.

Happiness is to satisfaction like a one-night stand compared to a long time lover; one is shallow and feel-good, the other is mature, intense and builds upon the past. It’s like fast food compared to a good meal.

I like my steaks a little bigger, but hey, I'll take one for the team
I like my steaks a little bigger, but hey, I’ll take one for the team

 

Happiness is a state of mind. The only skill in developing it is the persistence to change thought patterns.  That is not to say one shouldn’t try to become happier… however happiness is not the goal.  Happiness is a emotion that can be summoned at will through practice.

Satisfaction can only come about after one has achieved one’s will. Satisfaction is temporary, but regular feelings of satisfaction lead to fulfilment.  The pride that is rolled up in satisfaction only increases the power.  The more difficult the task the higher the feelings of pride and satisfaction. Thus the equation:

Difficulty of task + Achievement of task = (Satisfaction + Pride)Time = Fulfilment

I know, I’m a math wiz, right?

In layman’s, a difficult task is performed that one has set for himself.  This task achievement results in self-satisfaction and an increase in pride.  Over time the sum of many tasks performed leads to fulfilment: a lasting sense of self-worth and super-potential.

Without pride, fulfilment is diminished as the self seeks to explain away the reason for success as that of outside forces.

Without task achievement there is little satisfaction as the goal has not been reached.

If the goal is too easy then the fulfilment is diminished as pride demands difficulty as a price for true satisfaction.

 

5. Be able to Pat Your Own Back

Pats on the back are truly necessary for most to continue.  The difference between a man and a boy is that a man only accepts pats from his own hand.  Only he knows when he has truly achieved, where a boy seeks the approval of others and bases his satisfaction on that.  True pride is generated within the heart of a man, and he never accepts another’s comments on his acts as anything but uninformed opinion.

Change Who You Are

You are obliged to change into the best fucking man you can be. Anything less is an affront to every ancestor who died to bring you here. To not change is to negate your life and every DNA-bearer’s existence before you. If you do not change you are a life-hater. Fuck you.

caveman stabs gorilla
Ugg says: Change or I beat you with fair maiden

 

When I say the Best Man You Can Be, I mean the:

strongest,
most intelligent,
most charismatic,
most dextrous,
most highly and broadly skilled,
most coordinated,
most well spoken,
best connected man you can become.

 

Somehow there are people out there who believe self-change is not possible. People like my parents *know* that their character is set in stone, that emotions and attributes such as happiness, generosity, anger, artistry etc are all innate and immutable.

The rest of us know that’s a steaming pile of horseshit. ALL of your attributes can be changed and improved. ALL of your emotional states can be changed, especially negative “operating system” or baseline states. Someone wise once said, you can become normally happy or normally sad, the amount of work is the same.

I need to warn you though. Change will not be easy. It will not be quick. It will come in spurts, then plateau. You will move quickly past obstacles, then stall. You will feel you have not changed for months or years. Then you will look back and see that indeed, you have moved forward.

I can say this with certainty, for I am proof. But I believed change was possible. Anything was better than what I was.

 

Beginning on the path of self-change:

 

Realise that true self-change is extremely difficult.  Your character and your body enjoy homeostasis.  Any change results in resistance.  If you accept that you will face resistance, then you will be more prepared and able to avoid defeatist self-talk WHEN you fail.  Which will be often.

 

Changing your body will change your character.  Yoga and Akido, like most self-change systems, advocate body training in conjunction with mental preparation.  These systems are founded on the ideals of equality and spiritual awakening, and their bodily training reflects this through a focus on flexibility and peace. Unfortunately, our world is not about to change it’s fundamental attitude to violence.  Therefore being strong of both body and character is paramount. This is the reason I recommend weight-training.

sexy-yoga_large
Yoga at it’s best

 

Do not berate yourself over the inevitable fuck-ups, stalling and fear you will face. Accept that you will fail occasionally. You will take three steps forward and sometimes four back. Beating yourself up will only stall the change you ARE making. If you don’t make your goal today, well, there is always tomorrow.
Think long, long term. There are short cuts, but they are painful, more so than all but the most callous, hardened and solitary can handle. Think in 1 year, 3 year, 5 year, 10+ year increments. Real self change can only reveal itself over these timeframes.

Purchase “Energized Meditation and Other Devices” by Christopher Hyatt. Turn to the exercizes page and begin. Be warned, as it says on the cover, if you don’t really want to change, don’t buy this book.

Set acheivable goals and acheive them. I’m sure you’ve read every goal-setting blog under Sol, so I won’t go into too much detail. I’ll assume that you suck at goal-setting and achieving.  Goal setting only works over time if you start off small, with things you are already achieving. When I work with people, I have them set weekly goals that they are sure to hit. Like doing the laundry, hitting the gym once that week, or filling the car up with petrol. Goal setting works on momentum and self-success built up over time. Once you’ve seen that you CAN hit goals, you gradually build up the difficulty and resistance. If you stall, Don’t berate yourself.  Step back and hit some goals you know you can hit.

Remember that pain is what makes you stronger and more able to bear change. Every tiny bit of resistance you face up to makes it easier next time, whether it’s in the gym, in a relationship, or that cold shower you take every evening.

 

Now, go change, but go slow.