The Do’s and Don’ts of being a Dad – Part 2

This is the second instalment of this series.  You can find the first part here.

Lion and cub

Being a dad ain’t rocket science.  Some books and blogs would make it seem like you need advanced degrees in psychology and childhood learning before you can play peek-a-boo.

Don’t take that shit.  Do what I did in the first part of this series and decide what you want your child to be like.  Then, work backwards from there and find the behaviours that will model future character.

It’s really not hard at all, and a lot of it is common sense.  For example, if you don’t want a cruel child, don’t be cruel yourself!  Only a retard could fail to see that.  Are you a retard?

Here’s what I strive for with my children:

Don’t beat up your kids.

This should be obvious.  If you want kids who can trust you fully, you need to restrain yourself. Hey look, I’ve smacked my kids on the bum when I’m at the end of my tether.  I can count on two hands the times I’ve done it in five years.  Sometimes they just know the buttons to press.

When I review the situation after the fact, however, I find that their behaviour is, while not justified, at least somewhat predictable.  To warrant bad behaviour, they are usually

tired: from lack of sleep; a big day at some point in the previous three days; from playing with other kids; from a growth spurt.

hungry: from lack of food; or too much junk food.

requiring attention:  they haven’t got what they need from you in the past 24 hours.

A child usually cannot tell when he is hungry or tired.  How many adults do you know behave badly when they are starving or after a big night out?  Expecting a 3 year old or 6 year old to keep their emotions in check is like expecting a labrador to avoid peanut butter jelly time.

Re: that last point, your kids NEED parent time.  They don’t need a whole lot, but your kids require your undivided attention for a little while at least.  My go-to if I’m tight for time is usually wrestling.  I throw them on the bed or trampoline and go to town on them for a set time.

Ultimately, resorting to violence smacks of a lack of imagination.  Is my child misbehaving?  Should I discover the primary drivers behind this behaviour?  Should I uncover what has truly made my child upset?  Should I perhaps feed him because he is starving?

dad

I’ll just smack him!  

It’s the go-to for stupid people.  I’ve never met intelligent person who believes smacking is the answer.  The people who smack generally want their child to OBEY,  an action with which I am not entirely comfortable.  Obedience opens up a whole ‘nother can of worms, so it will be the subject of future discussion.

This doesn’t mean I don’t discipline my kids!  Kids need boundaries, they need strictness and occasionally severity.  But these are not taught through violence.

 

 

Don’t tease your kids.  

Teasing is the realm of primary school kids.  A tease from a parent is never, ever regarded as a joke by the child.  Name calling or deliberately annoying them in a cruel way destroys self-esteem, which, contrary to what some fuckheads in the manosphere community would have you believe, is as real in a child’s psychology as its sense of family.

If you want a cruel and self-loathing child, please continue with this stupidity.

Once I saw a boy of about 9 or 10 on a swing, with his dad swinging him. The boy screamed with joy.

“WHEEEEEEEE!”

“You squeal like a girl!” his father spat.

The boy shut himself up.  His face became a mask.

The morals taught?  Expression was obviously forbidden, but it was permissible to destroy another’s sense of joy.  Another future dickhead was born in that moment.

 

Don’t do their learning for them.

Most kids naturally have an inordinate sense of patience.  So where do they learn frustration and impatience?  Their parents.

When my son learnt to do his own buttons up, I was tearing up the walls.  I would rather peel my own face off than watch that performance again.

The thing is, I was the only one frustrated. Sitting warmly on my lap, he would find the button, grip it securely, then go to push it through the hole.

And miss. Patiently, slowly, surely, he would again find the button and push through.

And miss.

And again.  And again.  AND AGAIN.

Without a murmur.  His breathing would become measured by degrees, like a meditation master throat breathing.  There was no whinging, no whining.  Just trying.

I, meanwhile, was fighting an losing battle.  My inner dialogue was rapidly retrenching my desire for my son to independently learn.  Each miss sent my chest into spasms, my heart into hammer blows.  I so wanted to show him the way, and get it over with.

I finally got control over myself as my boy proudly showed me his shirt, buttoned beautifully.  His face was calm, beatific.  It had taken him ten minutes.  He didn’t mind.  Only I did.

Kids don’t do things for the end result.  They do things for the doing.  I once saw a one-year-old playing Connect Four.  He was having a lot of trouble putting the coins into the slots.  There was a woman behind him, who, whenever he had difficulty, would slot the coin.

Why on earth would you do that?  Having the coin in the slot is only a sign of success.  It’s not the point of the boy’s exercise.  Remember that next time your child is learning. Children don’t see things as frustrating.  They only want to try things, learn, and wonder.

 

Be in the moment with your kids.

Too often I am merely sitting with my kids.  I am not there.  My mind is elsewhere, daydreaming, reading, on my phone.  I am waiting for My Time (TM).

Being with kids is work.  Hard Work.  They are alive, so full of energy and always totally in the moment.  Playing with them, being with them takes energy, and it is too easy to just be there in body and not in spirit.

That’s too bad, because soon enough it will be gone.  They will grow up. My eldest is five already, and it’s just like every parent says: it goes by so fast.  

Adam Sandler starred in Click, an otherwise forgettable movie.  In it, Sandler finds a magical remote that enables him to play, pause and fast-forward through his life.  His skips all the boring bits, but finds that the remote takes note of his selections, and speeds through other parts that are similar.  In this way he ploughs through life at hyper-sonic speed to his death.

I often feel this way.  Life is the bit lived between work, sleep, meals and parenting.  What is left?  The hour or two a week you spend on your hobbies? No.

All of Life is Life.  Not just the bits you want to enjoy.

If you can live with this in mind, your kids will notice, and respond favourably.

 

“Let me think about that.”

This is one of the most potent and underused tools in a parents arsenal.  You are under no obligation to respond immediately to any request from your kids.  You can take all the time you need to decide whether the request is appropriate or not.

Too many times I’ve reacted instinctively to a request, then later regretted my decision.  The key word here is “react”.  We don’t need to react.  We can take the information on board, actively think about it, then hand down a solid decision.

 

Don’t be a helicopter.  

Hover parents are fucking annoying.  It’s like they have to micro-manage every part of their child’s life.  They make sure nothing untoward happens, that their child is playing appropriately, that their child is bored out of its fucking brain.

They are essentially saying to their child “You are incapable of playing without direct supervision” and “Life is entirely predictable”.

Here’s a tip: stay the fuck away.  Let the little bastards hurt themselves.  Let them eat sand. Let them give Jimmy a Knuckle Happy Meal and feel the consequences of a three-year-old’s burning wrath.

My boys have scars, cuts and bruises you wouldn’t see on grown men.  And guess what?  They are fucking smart, co-ordinated and pumped about life.  Next to nothing scares them.

Many of their friends look like they were pumped out of a factory production line, cookie-cutter kids.  They need mummy’s say-so to try anything new.  They run to dad if they fall over.

That’s all right though.  Our modern world needs plenty of fodder for the future’s factories.  Life is a learning experience, and if you are hovering, you are shitting on your child’s self-education.

 

Be patient.  

A father needs patience more than anything else.  He has a whole family to teach, advise, and protect.  In his realm he needs to be in control.  To lose control is to display weakness and vulnerability to his family.

In extremely specific circumstances losing control is allowable, but 99% of the time it is not. Patience is the ability to remain calm when frustration and anxiety rear their ugly heads.  Patience is not easy. But your children will respect you for it.

Patience is difficult, but it is successfully cultivated through practice.  Become a calm, solid rock for your children.  Be there to listen to them, teach them, and show them the way, and do so in a consistently patient manner.

 

No/low TV time.  

I don’t have a television.  When I mention this, the usual reaction is disbelieving silence.

Then: “What do you do at night?”

My answer is generally “Where do you find the time to watch TV?”

It is amazing that TV is so ubiquitous that to not have one is considered outlandish enough as to be unbelievable.  What is telling, however, is that the next comments after the above dialogue are often excuses about how they try to watch only “good” shows.  Yeah right.

TV hypnotises.  That’s all you need to know.  Look around you next time you’re watching a show.  Everyone looks like they are under anaesthesia.  The jaw is slack, the eyes are glazed, the body is relaxed.

When you are under hypnosis you become incredibly vulnerable to suggestion.  Is that what you want for your children?

In addition TV moralises in often unhealthy ways.  They promote weakness, groupthink, and putting everyone else ahead of yourself.  It tells you what the mob thinks you should find important, and informs you of what should cause you anxiety.

While we don’t have a telly, we do watch shows on the iPad or computer. The best part of this is the lack of ads.  But we still find that the kids want more and more show time.  Shows are great, as every parent knows, because they babysit well.  The kids will be where you left them. But of course the downsides are:

  • TV kids are generally fat
  • TV kids generally have a bad diet
  • TV kids lack imagination, and limit their games to mimic the shows they watch
  • TV kids are more badly behaved and require more parent attention when the TV is not on, because they forget how to play independently

Turn the TV off as often as possible.  The more you do it the easier your kids will find it to play independently.

….

Parenting is a hard task, but it is also problem solving at it’s best.  Working out the reasons behind bad behaviour, and coaching your kids towards being fucking awesome is the best thing I’ve done.  Let me know in the comments what your rules are.  I’m always keen to learn a little more!

The Dos And Don’ts Of Being A Dad – Part 1

Father and Son

 

Being a dad is arguably the most important role in a child’s life after the age of five or six.  This is particularly true if you have boys.  Both boys and girls look to their dads for insight into what it means to be a man and what to look for in a man.  In a psychological sense the father becomes the internal policeman.  If you are a kind, sensitive, yet self-disciplined father, this will reflect in their eventual behaviour.  If you are a cruel, selfish and stupid fuckwit you are sure to see self-destructive behaviour not too far down the track.

What follows is a personal reflection on what a good father should strive for.  Notice I said “strive”.  None of us are perfect, especially not me.  I am prone to breaking almost all these guidelines, particularly when I am tired or hungry.  However I am getting much better as I strive harder, and it reflects in my boys’ behaviour.  When I try harder to be more consistent, more patient and more aware, they too behave better.

 

Opportunity

I want my kids to have awesome opportunities available to them.  But my boys need the skill to see and take advantage of them.  Everyone gets opportunies.  But some of us are too fearful to jump at these chances. Some of us become our own worst enemy, and self-criticise into paralysis.  I’ve been offered many amazing things that I have turned down through fear.  I wouldn’t now, of course.  And I find it hard not to regret it, though I know I was somewhat a victim of my own programs.

It took me at least 10 years of work to get out of my own way, to nullify and replace almost two decades of childhood and adolescent programming.  There was the christian program, the beta-male program, the sexual program.  All were faulty or incomplete for functioning as a happy and satisfied adult male.  All restricted my desire to take opportunity.

As a father I want to show my sons the skills to take life by the throat, rather than live in the shadows.

 

Growth

It’s our job to create an environment for our children’s growth.  A growth environment is varied in its stimulus, and stable in its foundation. Timothy Leary’s Info-Psychology influenced me greatly here.  To grow beyond simple attack/retreat programs, an organism must first feel safe and secure.  A child must be able to go out and explore the world, and then come home to its nest without fear.  I believe this is why we have so many paranoid teenage psychedelic users.  They don’t feel safe after psychonautic exploration; they are scared of parental judgement.

Stability at home means:

  • Consistency – You, as a parent, act in a similar way in similar circumstances. There are not many surprises in terms of discipline, punishment or rewards.
  • Non-judgemental  Regardless of what your child does, you show that you still love them.  You teach that it is their behaviour that is the issue, and that behaviour can be changed.
  • A sense of structure –  The child knows where they belong in the family unit, and have clearly defined responsibilities.
  • Clear boundaries – the child knows what is permitted and what is not, and the boudaries are consistently policed.

 …..

 

My personal guidelines are based on one question: What do I want my kids to be like when they grow up?  In other words, what character traits do I want them to have?  From these end results I have worked backwards to decide on the principles I use.

I know I want them to be

Independent in nature: I don’t want my kids living with me in their twenties.  I want my boys to be paying their own rent, paying their dues, paying their way.  I want them to have a job, no matter how menial, and earn cash for themselves, or to be starting their own business.  I know too many boys in their late twenties living at home, rent-free, not cooking for themselves, not paying their bills. The use of the word “boy” is deliberate.  They are not men, despite their age.  Sure, they might save for a house earlier.  But they are not learning the fundamental skills of being a man.  This home environment stunts development.  Everything is so easy at home. We want to make things more difficult, so we can better handle the REALLY difficult stuff that will arrive soon enough.

Am I the only one that doesn't have mommy and daddy pay for everything?

 

Independent in thought: Being able to go against the crowd is an important trait. It enables one to find what is really important to them, and explore different areas of thought and action.  It allows one to discern when a group is wrong and move to work against them.  GroupThink is insidious, and is becoming more prevalent through FaceBook.  Think you have diverse information coming through that channel?  Think again.  Facebook is a mirror of yourself.  It shows you only what you want to see, again and again, through your use of the “Like” function.  True uniqueness is now incredibly difficult to cultivate.

Non- conformist

 

Considerate of others, but not at the expense of their own well-being. Compassion, sympathy and empathy are all important emotions.  However, some people transform them through personal experience into guilt, and experience them to their own detriment.

I know one girl who was brainwashed at university and felt guilty constantly because of what white people had done to other races.  She loathed the fact she was white, female, and human.  Her consideration for other races and species eventually outbid her means after she gave away all she had, and worked for charities for no money.  Her family is still suffering.

Look after yourself and your own tribe first.  Spend energy on yourself to get where you need to be emotionally and physically.  Only then will you have the power to help others.

 

Respectful to those who deserve respect. Respect is defined as:

1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements; and,

2. due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others.

Respect in the first definition is for those who earn it through their actions.  Those who inspire us earn our respect.

In the second definition we treat everyone nicely unless our feelings, wishes or rights are impinged upon, or aggression is warranted.  Due regard for feelings and wishes is not for those who are assholes, special snowflakes, or those who have done nothing in their lives and still feel entitled to special treatment.

 

Self-honesty at all times, and honesty to others when required.  Self-honesty is the only appropriate way through this mess we call life.  Looking at our own lives without vaseline-fogged lenses tells us where we are fucking up, and where we are really succeeding.  True insight is a Castanedian Death-on-our-shoulder, ready to show us reality, the real, horrifying, but honest reality.

Too many people blame others for their position in life.  True men take responsibility for where they are, and take steps to learn and create the life they really want.

In my case I was a true fuck-up.  I did blame my parents for a long time, but in the end I had to be honest and see the one who had to change.  Taking a blazingly hard look at myself, I saw that almost everything had to be remade.  If I wanted to be happy and satisfied I would have to start from the bottom on every scale: charisma, strength, intelligence, wisdom, knowledge, confidence, and all the rest of those awesome words.  Self-honesty showed me this.

Honesty toward others is a tricky one.  We all tell white (and cream, tan and downright shit-brown) lies from time to time.  True honesty at all times is the most energy efficient method, because keeping track of lies is difficult.  But if you want to make it in the world, you HAVE to lie.

Perhaps a better way of putting it is: be discreet.  Put everybody on a need to know basis.  Discretion is one of my core principles.  I would prefer to omit than to lie.

…..

Next week is The Dos and Don’ts of being a Dad – Part 2.  I’ll cover the principles I strive to abide by while raising my kids.

 

 

 

Modern Man’s Intro To Principles

Are you living by your own rules, or by those pre-defined by others?

Principles: they make life easier.  In a set of principles I have a decision-making matrix. My principles are general enough that they cover a wide swathe of situations.

Principles govern my behaviour in a consistent manner.  When the world is going to shit around you, knowing how you will handle the fan-splatter effect creates a rock-solid foundation of confidence in your actions.

The prime reason I have principles is for energy.  Consistent action in certain areas cuts down on the energy overhead usually reserved for decisions.  Making decisions takes a bajillion joules of energy from your life every day.  I only have a limited amount of energy.  The more energy I conserve, the more I have to use elsewhere.  It’s the effect on your energy bill of having three minute showers instead of skin-blistering hour long marathons. Although saving personal energy is far more satisfying.  I hate three minute showers.

It’s the same reason corporations systematise their regular actions.  If they find something happening frequently, they create a system that fast-tracks the simple stuff:

  1. Been in this situation before?  Check.
  2. What did we do last time?  A, B and C.
  3. Did A, B, and C get us what we wanted?  Check.
  4. Do A, B and C.

Number three is key.  We need to decide what we want, and create our principles based on that.

 

…..

example time!

 

In the past, I have been overpaid by my employers.  I used to fret about whether to tell my employer and give the cash back.  I was torn between money and morals.

What did I want?  I wanted the cash, but I also wanted to not stress about 1) whether my employer was testing me, and 2) whether I was doing the “right” thing (more on the “right” thing in a moment).

Action One was giving the cash back.  I would be relieved of anxiety and stress, but I would be poorer.  Perhaps my employer would think of me as an honest person, but this would give me no benefit in real terms.

Action Two was keeping the cash.  I would stress about it, but I would have more money, a very real benefit.

My current over-riding principle in this situation is: keep the cash, AND don’t stress.  Why?  Telling my employer about paying me too much gives me no benefit at all.  In the past, perhaps, an employer would then regard you as an upstanding and honest employee who could be trusted, which may have given you an advantage at some point.  Nowadays, your boss could not give a shit about you or your apparent do-goodiness.

As for not stressing, if my boss found out and asked for it, I could simply play dumb and pay it back.  If he didn’t find out, then I have the money.  It’s a win/win.

If you give the cash back, you boss says “thanks!”, and you walk home $100 poorer.  What’s the point?  You’ll feel better about yourself?  Why?  Because you’ve “done the right thing?”  You’ve done the WRONG thing.  You have exchanged value for fluff i.e. moral virtue.

 

…..

Let’s talk morals for a moment.  I would hope that most of you reading this would know that morals are the rules imposed on your behaviour by an external force.  That force is cultural, and its main proponents are the parents and teachers who educated you.

Morals can be loosely defined as a code that defines appropriate behaviour.  Literally, a code of conduct.  That code is divided into a series of principles for each behaviour.

I reject externally imposed morality because in general those morals benefit society more than myself.  Society in this case being most people in my country who are not me, and primarily those people with lots of money and power who are also not me.  I don’t reject all of society’s morals, I merely reserve the right to choose the ones that work for me and reject the ones that belong in a bucket of shit.

Morals should be personally defined according to principle and the cultural matrix in which you live.  For example, I might want to slaughter my neighbour for stealing some mayonnaise when I went out for a kebab.  Goddamn delicious-mayonaisse-stealing asshole.  If I did so, because of our culture the police would kidnap me and remove my ability to live freely for a number of years.  Butt-rape in prison is not an outcome that I desire, therefore I reject murder as a behavioural outcome of principle.  Not because it is inherently “bad” in all situations, but because the culturally-imposed repercussions of murder are extremely bad for me.

 

Scary prisoner says, PICK UP THE SOAP

 

We should also talk about “good/right” and “bad/wrong”.  What is good and bad is also culturally defined.  I would hope that you also know this as an educated man.  I define “good/right” as that which energises and benefits me and my family over the short to long term.  I define “bad/wrong” as the opposite of that.  Simple.

Not everything good and right is possible.  Not everything bad and wrong is avoidable.  This is cultural impact on personal morals, and it’s just the way things are.

 

…..

So let’s talk specifics.  I want to talk about one of the most important of my principles.  This one has saved me so much energy over the years, and so much stress and heartache.

Do what you say.

 

This one guiding principle has helped me in so many ways. Back when I was a loser I would make plans with friends that I never intended to keep.  Or I would be in two minds about whether to go out with them.  I now know that if I am going to say I will do something, I’d better move heaven and hell to do it.  If that is to be the case, I have to be careful with my words, and not promise anything I cannot deliver.  That means I have to maintain awareness during conversation and also be discreet.

 

This principle not only cuts down on stress, it also makes me into a better, more aware person. 

 

This one principle cuts down an incredible energy overhead.  I no longer have to think about whether I going to do something or not.  Have I told someone I would?  Yes?  Then I am doing it.  The social benefits of such an attitude should be obvious.

This one principle is so internally satisfying that it should be elevated to a religious precept.

The correlate to this principle is: Watch your mouth.  Don’t say anything you don’t plan to follow through with.

I got this off a good friend.  Once I asked him if he wanted to hang out.  He said he’d like to, but for whatever reason, no.

I was taken aback.  Who the hell could be so honest?  What sort of person didn’t mitigate at all?  I was so impressed with his behaviour that I adopted it on the spot.  Nowadays I can’t believe I was ever that soft…

 

…..

The moral of this story is:  Begin to create your own morality.  Decide on the principles that both enhance the energy in your life and cut out the crap.

Begin NOW.

 

 

 

Your Best Friend – Why Your GF / Wife Is Not It

I love you man best friends husband and wife
We’re Besties, aren’t we… Aren’t we?

 

Don’t fall for that bullshit.  That language merely makes her feel better, and pops you in a ribbon-wrapped box of friendship that’s easy for her to open and occasionally poop in.  It gives her the superficial security that friends give each other: no-pressure, like-each-other, be-there-for-you bollocks.

You are friends, sure.

But first you are business partners and lovers.

Hollywood has again fucked with your head.  A thousand rom-coms have salted your brain in a preserving barrel of feminine brine.  You believe that the perfect woman is out there.  Your Soulmate, decked out in a sultry little black dress, ready with witty one-liners and enough charm to bring a dead orca back to life.  She knows you.  Everything about you. Your fondest memories, your ticklish spot.  She knows how to surprise you, gets the present you wanted without you even telling her.  

Movies have told you this woman is your Best Friend.  And, unbelievably, it’s always the male character who says it, at the altar. Or to one of his mates.  Or to her on the couch. It’s always the same.  And it stinks like a tartan pile of dirty flannies.

So you meet said perfect girl.  There is only one question that needs asking:  Can you be completely, 100%, hand-on-heart, sauté-a-baby-in-onions-if-I-mitigate-at-all honest with the girl?

If you can, congratulations. You have won the feminine lottery of the millennia and deserve a place in history alongside Attila and the guy who invented the penny-farthing.  Which is a pretty good thing.

For the rest of us, Men are the best friends required.

Blokes.  Best mates ever.

One of the greatest things about being a man is the potential quality of a man’s friendships.  Once a certain point of confidence is reached, a man chooses his closest friends with great care based on their honesty, their attitudes, and their accomplishments.  These friendships are pure diamond.  Brutally hard, vibrant, cutting and beautiful.  A good friend pushes you. He is incredibly honest. He makes you laugh.

He holds a view of the world distinctly different from your own while still accepting and even encouraging that difference.

Sit down with your mates and discuss cooking children, ironing porn and off-colour jokes and no one will bat an eyelid.  Does your wife know about that?

You may read this and think I am a misogynist.  I am not. I love my wife heartily.  She is an incredible woman.  But though we share a house and children and a bed, she is not and cannot be my best friend.  She simply cannot, through basic biology, understand my most basic function: that of being a man.

My Best Friends MUST be men.  The women in my life cannot understand what it is like to have a hard cock, or to feel the fire of Jupiter running in my veins. They cannot know about the passion to strive, to fight, to want to endure pain hardship and incredible anxiety for only a possibility of success.

In my life, only another man can understand.

A stranger stabs you in the front
I call bullshit.

 

This poster illustrates the difference between men and women.  To a woman only a stranger would dare be truly honest to her face.  Meanwhile, her friend is only truly honest about her to other people behind her back.  Only then, when all honesty has been used up, do her best friends ensure that nothing real ever gets shown.  They can share only those air-filled platitudes which collapse upon transmission like a shiny, useless soap bubble.

There is a profound saying that sums up a man’s Best Friend:

Best friends stab each other in the front.

Brutal honesty is only possible with a friend who is a man.  And if something bothers you about your friend, you better make damn sure he knows about it from you.

 

 

Who’s the Boss? A Marital Questionnaire

Who's the boss stars wearing tshirts saying "I'm the Boss"
Exactly.

Who’s the boss?

Maybe your kid asks it.  Maybe some friends bring it up in a drunken conversation.  Maybe your father-in-law teases you about it.

Who’s the boss?

Is it you?  Or is it her?   Who do you want it to be?

If you even need to ask this, she’s the boss.

You’re both the boss… right?  So in other words, she’s the boss.

She laughs under her breath… you got it, she’s the boss.

Ask yourself these questions. Then ask why you are not the boss.

Who is the strongest?

Who is the smartest?

Who earns the most?

Who would defend the family?

Who would protect the house from attack?

If you answered yes to all these, and you still feel like the bitch, you have some work to do.  Of course, if you’re ok being a fucking pussy to your wife, then cool.  You’re probably not getting laid though, and your missus is nagging you to death.  This is all a function of you not taking your proper role.

Protection is the common theme here.  Physical protection, intellectual protection, financial protection.  Can you protect your family and property from predators?  Can you protect your family from stupid ideas?  Can you protect your family from financial ruin?  A man’s role is protection, and if you are competent at it, you are the boss. No man who can adequately protect his family and provide for them should play second fiddle.  The strongest person in the household should be the boss.

But this isn’t how it works, is it? Decision making is where boss-dom is won or lost.  Solid, non-mitigated decision-making earns maximum respect points from women.  Unfortunately this is where most guys give it away, including myself.

For years I answered “whatever YOU want to do” to questions from my wife.  We were still happy. But I certainly didn’t feel like the boss.

It took me a while to realise that I needed to make decisions.  Strong, fast decisions.  My marital happiness depended the solidity of that decision making process.  My wife wanted someone who could decide what to have for dinner, where to go tomorrow, when to buy a new car, where to go on holiday.

Put your hand up if your dad ran the house when you were a child.  I thought so.  Dad owned the house, he ran the house, you lived there UNDER HIS RULES YOU FUCKING DONKEY.  There was no doubt in his mind or anyone else’s about whose place you were in and who you had to listen to.  I went to my old man’s house recently, ate some ham off a plate with my fingers, and got my ass chewed out for ten minutes.   I’m four inches and ten kilos bigger than him, but it didn’t fucking matter cos it’s his house, his rules.

Men, this is where we need to be.  If you’re having problems in this area, you need to read the Married Man Sex Life Primer immediately and man the fuck up.  It’s not about ruling the roost with an iron fist, kicking ass for minor infractions.  It’s about knowing your place as ruler of your kingdom and protector thereof, and living that life.   It’s not about natural law, it’s about who is more qualified to be the last stand of responsibility in your house.

Who is willing and able to be accountable for any fuckups that occur?

Who is able to sacrifice themselves for their family at last resort?

And if such a sacrifice is necessary, who is to shoulder the responsibility for all the decisions to come before?

I sure as hell will be making the decisions if it is to be my life on the line in the final instance.