Letters For My Sons


And The Winner Of #NoNothingNovember Is… MASTURBATION!!!

Seriously, I had no idea so many dudes were entertaining the idea of giving up wanking until I entered #NoNothingNovember.  Masturbation seems to have taken on epidemic proportions!  But hang on… all young guys beat off!  When the hell did choking the chicken become a problem?

So many dudes try to give it up via goal-setting.  These poor fellas have gone about it all the wrong way, and not surprisingly, as I just found out after checking a dozen competing blogs, they’ve fallen off the custard wagon.

But before I delve into the sodden world of beating off, here’s the deets of my month at the helm of the goal-setting machine, Owl and the Bull:




Alcohol:  I drank on two occasions: my wedding anniversary and my work’s christmas party, the first to cheers my wife,  the second as part of a long-term socialising experiment, i.e. becoming part of the in-crowd at work. From multiple past experiments I’ve found that blue collars notice and distrust you if you don’t drink.  So it was a matter of politics.

But hey, lest you think I’m making excuses to justify my behaviour, fuck you, Mr Judgmental.  Guilt is now a foreign emotion to me, and I stand by my decisions.

Smartphone use:  I smashed this like Samsung now smashes any iPhone before it.  Email, internet, and video were out in this goal, as were any apps beyond maps and music.  I broke this vice only once, and it was a decision that saved me $1000 and a week of my time via a quick email.

Several times I found myself clicking the email icon automatically, then squinting my eyes shut as I realised what I had done.  I refused to check other people’s phones when they showed me videos and articles, shutting my eyes and looking like a general freak.

It wasn’t all peaches and Jersey cream.  I often craved some distraction.  Taking a shit was sometimes tough without a blog to pass the time.


first world problems


After four weeks, I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything by not reading on the net 3 hours a day.  In fact I now know what the world feels like without a screen in my face.  It’s bloody fantastic.  I’m sure my eyes are seeing with better clarity and distinction than before.

This is certainly something I’d like to continue but I’m not quite sure how.  I don’t want to go back to reading blogs every spare second, but I’d like to read things sometime.  I’ll make a snap decision now.  I’m going to continue going without, but with the ability to check email if I really REALLY need to do so.  Work emails in, spam from Catch Of The Day, out.

Asking permission:  I didn’t adequately define this goal and thus sucked really hard at it.  At times I saw it as not asking my wife if I could do something or go somewhere (which is hardcore cool as my anti-fem blogger alter-ego, but kind of difficult in a real family with competing priorities), and occasionally as being more audacious at my job by sending blunt emails immediately without debating myself for weeks about their appropriateness.

Ultimately, I had a very nebulous idea of what it was supposed to mean, and despite my best efforts I could not define it.  So I’ve marked this one “sucked hard, better luck next time non-defining loser-type”.


So With All That Out Of The Way, Back To Spanking The Monkey


So here’s the deal:

Beating-Off Benefits: 

  • feels awesome

So yeah, that’s all I could some up with.

Custard-Chucking Cons:

  • depletes energy (if done too much, for average men)
  • wastes time (if done too much)
  • Destroys imagination and desire (if done excessively to porn)

Notice all those qualifiers in there?  Masturbation is not inherently evil.  If you’re wanking off once or twice a day, and you still get shit done, and you don’t do it every time to Regina Rapefest on www.horrorporn.sex, then you’re going ok.  You’re fucking NORMAL.

It seems that most of the guys on the Reddit page have been told by someone else that it’s an awful thing to do.  What is awful is trying to stop masturbating without a fuckload of distractions. These guys on Reddit are going into a gunfight with a fucking spork. You will not stop masturbating by force of will alone.  

You are fighting against your natural desire to procreate, notwithstanding your lack of a suitable biological receptacle.  As soon as your pervy, adolescent consciousness focusses for even a second on sex, every ounce of your energy is called to action.  If you decide to fight the desire, you can write off the next hour of your day, because it’s almost unbeatable. It will claw it’s masochistic way into your psyche, even as you breathlessly page through a distracted Tolstoy for your term paper.  There goes your pathetic determination to not waste time through not masturbating.

The other problem I see on Reddit is porn addiction.  If you have not masturbated without porn for a week or more, you are a porn addict, and stopping porn is much healthier and far easier than stopping the custard.  If you are serious, you will either ban yourself from porn sites via the many nanny web apps that allow this, or you will turn your computer off and give it to someone else for the month.  You will still have your penis, but you won’t have the problem.

Seriously, if your goal was to give up wanking, but you didn’t give up porn, or you didn’t make allowances in your lifestyle to limit porn viewing, you just set yourself up to fail.

Don’t give up masturbating.  Give up porn.

The final issue is the unspoken guilt.  Guys, if you are reasonably normal as detailed above, there is nothing to feel guilty about.  Guilt does nothing, absolutely nothing for you, except make you a shivering, gutless, disgusting shadow of a man.  If you no longer want to be a wanker, but you beat off one day to Romulus And Remus Do the Italian Penisula, accept your decision.  Admit you can do better, then strive to be better.  Then get on with your day.

Guys, your penis was bestowed upon you for your personal pleasure.  You’re allowed to use it.  Just use it right.

Happy December.



Who The Fuck Gives Up Booze In 40 Degree Heat: #NoNothingNovember Sucks Balls


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  1. Good insights. I kicked the porn thing earlier in the year through sheer willpower and found it a lot easier the second go around. Just like the alcohol, I don’t think anyone serious about quitting quits in once and only once. Its a process.

    • OwlandtheBull

      You’re right, it is a process. You develop systems each time you fail to ensure the next time you can succeed, if you are indeed serious. Each failure is a learning process.
      Congrats on kicking the pr0ns btw.

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