9 Things Fathers Don’t Talk About

So you’re having a baby.  Congrats.

Perhaps.

Fatherhood is overlooked in the months of pregnancy.  With all the changes happening to the woman, the man, as usual keeps silent and gets on with life.  There are however many unexpected events in a father’s experience that no one talks about, and many men think they are alone in the experience.

 

1.  You won’t love your child.  When they first come out, and for the next few months or so, your primary thoughts will be “What the fuck was I thinking?” and “Will anyone notice if I accidentally drop this thing in the bin?”

The only thing that keeps most kids alive, I believe, is the fear of butt rape by professionals in a large prison.  Otherwise most babies would go into landfill.

 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

You won’t love your child at first.  They are tiny balls of flesh with no personality and nothing attractive about them.  They look incredibly ugly, and yet strangely delicious.  Modern movies however would have you believe that little Northeast will have manga eyes that communicate the secrets of the multiverse with a serene buddha-face that says silently “Don’t worry Daddy, everything’s gonna be alright, the world is an amazing place” as you gurgle into a purpley puddle of affectionate goo.

Bollocks.

Most men, and many women for that matter, have no feelings whatsoever toward their children for the first weeks and months.  It is a lie that we have been sold.  I had to learn to love my boys, especially the first one.  They do nothing, say nothing, screech like animals, and shit all over your nice things, especially your hands (and occasionally your face).

 

2.  You won’t get a full nights sleep for between 3 and 10 years.  That’s right bitches.  Depending on how many kids you have you can look forward to behaving like a alcoholic retard for the next few years.  My vocabulary went down, my immune system died in the ass, and my work capacity went from a ten to a four.  Two to six hours sleep a night for years will do that to you.

Then when they do sleep through, you will wake up anyway because you fear they might be dead.  They aren’t of course.  But they might be.

 

3.  Babies are boring as hell for the first six months.  Especially for the first one, impatience can really get to you as you wait for little TimTam to roll over, smile, goddamn it, just DO SOMETHING!  You want them to do stuff.  They are so, so ridiculously boring.  There really is very little return on investment during this time.

 

4.  They are WAY smarter than you think.  Before having kids I believed that they didn’t develop brains until around five years old.  I have no idea why I thought that, or what I thought happened in that five year period, but there you go.

I thoroughly did not expect my boys do develop intelligence so early on. In their almighty struggles to move, communicate, experience and manipulate, babies and toddlers will educate you on how you became the way you are.  From the moment they are born they are trying to talk and move, and everything we say strikes a chord within them.  You will constantly be surprised (when you are not hideously bored) at the little ways they demonstrate smarts.

 

5.  There are approximately 843,982 ways for the mother and baby to die during pregnancy and birth.  There’s a reason child and mother mortality rates were at holocaust levels before modern medicine; it’s hideously dangerous.  Once I polled all the mothers I knew and found that, had they given birth 200 hundred years ago, over 50% of them would have died.

My wife and I spent several months wondering if I would wake up with her dead beside me from a placental bleed.   If she had sustained a major bleed she would have died in under a minute, and there would have been nothing I could apply pressure to, cos it would come from her vagina.  Fucking great.

 

Just like this

 

The hippies will tell you birth’s the most natural thing in the world.  It is.  For some mothers.  After you’ve seen a woman writhing around for 24 hours or more trying to eject an enormous parasite you may have second thoughts about how simple it is.

 

6.  Yelling at or spanking your kids makes them either a) harder to control, or b) easier to control now, but a bunch of shitheads later.  I’ve been following a no yelling policy with my boys and things have never, ever, been better.  It forces me to get down to the child’s level and understand the context of what is happening.  My boys feel like they are understood, which is 90% of the battle won.  How many times have you felt misunderstood, and crave understanding?  I’ll wager your childhood was full of frustrated moments of incomprehension.  Turn that around for your kids and you’ll reap the rewards.

If yelling is lazy man’s parenting, then spanking is unemployed junkie parenting.  Spastics, tough guys and the uneducated are simply not creative enough to find a reason for misbehaviour.  Well done, by hitting a child you’ve given a solid lesson on how your world works.  You don’t try to solve problems through open discussion, rather you enforce obedience through violence.  You will raise frustrated and (physical or mentally) violent kids.

 

7.  People without kids and parents with twenty-something children know how to parent better than anyone in the world.  That’s the impression you’ll get anyway, after the fiftieth slack-jawed fuckwit tells you “All he needs is a smack on the bum and he’ll be fine.”  Thanks for the info, cocksmoker.  That’s why one of your kids is in a juvenile justice centre and the other one won’t talk to you.

I’ll be the first to take advice if it’s useful, but most of the tards that approach you will be vomiting the same advice: Beat your kids, don’t discuss things with them cos it breeds impertinence, and, oh, beat your kids.

 

8.  Your wife/gf/significant other will create a nest almost as soon as she gets pregnant.  This will mean a change of home, buying a new house, repairs to the existing house, and other large financial changes you may not expect.  The hormonal impact of a pregnant woman has to be seen to be believed.  My wife was, compared to some of our friends, relatively stable, but we still ended up buying our first house very soon after pregnancy.  She was an unstoppable fat juggernaut, which changed our lives for the better.  But it is a little surprising if you are not ready for it how single minded they become on fixing a home for their brood.

 

9.  The vag will change.  Here’s a couple of interesting facts for you to ponder.  If your partner has a vaginal birth, chances are she will be incontinent for a while.  Or perhaps the rest of her life.  Many mothers I know cannot run or play on a trampoline for fear of pissing all over the kids.  This can be solved with pelvic floor exercises, but most mothers are too lazy busy with young ones to practice.

There’s also a little thing called the hierarchy of perineal lacerations.  Not only is it great bbq conversation, it also characterises vaginal tears from childbirth according to size.  First degree tears are tiny, while fourth degree lacerations extend to the anus.  Delicious!  After you pick your lunch off the floor, get your missus some photos off the net, and maybe it will motivate her to do some pelvic floor exercises so you don’t have to fuck a vagina the size of Saturn.

 

There you have it.  If any of you experienced anything and thought you were alone in it, leave it in the comments below.  I’d love to hear it.

 

  • Being a Dad myself I have to agree with everything you said in this article! Great one!

    • OwlandtheBull

      Thanks Jose! It’s tough being a dad, but even harder if you thinks what’s happening to you is unusual or unique.